1. When someone asks you to bring one Big Bo Box, bring seven. That’ll show ‘em who’s boss.
2. Wear two foam fingers. You look like a better fan and your friends will say, “Wow, he’s wearing two foam fingers. That’s neat.”
3. Re-enact big-game moments. This can be a big hit during holiday dinners. No one expects Grandma to get tackled, but there she goes!
4. Really study the masters – Chaucer, Da Vinci, Newton, etc. Then, do everything they did.
5. Replace your usual words with bigger, more complicated ones:
“Playing cornhole” = “Vying for the apex position in the recreational undertaking of cornhole”
“Pass the chicken” = “Please relinquish the vessel of scrumptious morsels upon which we are supping”
“Your turn to drive” = “Statistically speaking, it is your crack at manning the vehicle.”
6. Tweed, baby, tweed. Nothing screams authority like a tweed jacket, patched elbows and a briefcase that’s been falling apart since 1954.
7. Throw around terms that don’t mean anything, but sound good enough that folks won’t call you out.
“Hey Bill, you really snarked the shark there.”
“Don’t Submarine Bruno the tea again.”
“You’re a real Plainclothes Sally today, I’d hate to see you molly the wingnut.”
8. Print out an advanced degree in tailgating to shut down the haters. One happens to be available on this website and it’s substantially cheaper than any college we’ve ever heard of.
9. Tailgate everything. The more tailgating you do, the more professional you’ll be. If you get to the point where you can tailgate a live birth, you’ll have earned your TG PhD.
If you want to lift your tailgate game from JV to the Big Leagues, you’re going to need a PhD in the TG.
Here are a few tips to get you started: